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In medias res
(In The Airship, Kitchen. BDay and Rose, each carrying a ray gun, chase after Veteran.)
VETERAN
She didnt- She didn't install...the cardio mod...
BDAY
Come back here, non-believer!
ROSE
Hit him! The Divine One's will shall not be denied!
(BDay and Rose shoot. The bullets barely miss Veteran.)
VETERAN
Ah! Gah! Ooh!
MR. CHEESE
(gets in the way) Oh hey there, Veteran! My name Mr-
VETERAN
(pushes Mr. Cheese away) No time for that!
MR. CHEESE
Whoa!
VETERAN
What the-
MR. CHEESE
Cheese loui-
(Mr. Cheese turns into gold. Veteran arrives in Vault, looking up to see a huge golden statue of Player. BDay and Rose surround Veteran.)
BDAY
End of the line, Veteran! You will make a fine offering for the God King!
VETERAN
God King? Is that some sort of dumb, nerd thing?
BDAY
(in a heightened voice) Blasphemy, blasphemy!
ROSE
Ooh, ooh! Can I shoot him now, honey? I wanna make the Divine One proud to me.
BDAY
Tell you what Rose, it can be your early birthday present.
ROSE
Done being snookums.
VETERAN
Rose, just kill me now.
ROSE
(both about to shoot Veteran) It's the idea!
(Player enters.)
PLAYER
Halt!
BDAY AND ROSE
(both bow down) My lord.
VETERAN
Player, thank the Goddess. Rose and BDay have got insane and- wait- something's different about you. Did you shave your mustache?
PLAYER
What? No.
PLAYER
There's only one god here, Veteran. Me.
(Player places his hands onto BDay and Rose's heads.)
BDAY AND ROSE
Ahahahah! Ooh!
ROSE
What's this feeling? Ooh, a divine blessing from the Divine One?
BDAY
Uhm, no. It feels more like death.
ROSE
Oh.
(BDay and Rose scream as their bodies turn into solid gold.)
PLAYER
I no longer require your services. (evil laugh)
VETERAN
Nice job, Player. Those guys were about to kill me in the name of some...Divine One.
PLAYER
Do you seriously not get wha's going on in here, Veteran?
VETERAN
Not in the slightest.
PLAYER
No matter, you will soon enough.
(Player goes nearer to Veteran, reaching one hand.)
VETERAN
So, could you like, tell me? Maybe with a recap or-
PLAYER
Ugh, fine.
Mod boredom
Earlier that day...
(In The Skeld, Cafeteria. Player is seated on a table, unamused. Captain appears as a ghast, spitting fireballs in the direction ahead.)
CAPTAIN
Fireball! Fireball!
(Dum as a giant and Stoner as a dragon land on their feet as they wrestle against each other.)
DUM
Fee, fi, fo, Dum!
STONER
Time to blaze it!
(Mr. Cheese as a cat goes past the room.)
MR. CHEESE
Haha! Bark bark, I'm a cat! Hahaha...bark, bark, haha!
VETERAN
(sits beside Player) Hey, buddy. Man, gotta catch my breath. This game sure is awesome today, huh?
PLAYER
Awesome? It's a total mess! With all these mods installed you can't tell who the imposter is!
VETERAN
Yeah, that's the whole point of Among Us, dude.
PLAYER
That's not what I meant?
VETERAN
Hey, man. I know you're feeling down cause you're bad at the game, and even with all these OP mods-
CAPTAIN
(interrupting while passing through) So OP.
VETERAN
Right. Thanks, Captain.
VETERAN
Even with all the so OP mods, you can't win.
PLAYER
Veteran, it's not that I'm a sore loser. It's that this doesn't even feel like Among Us at this point.
VETERAN
How do you figure?
DUM
So long, Stoner!
STONER
Whoaaaaaaaa, oh!
PLAYER
Ugh, nevermind.
VETERAN
Player, when I'm feeling like I suck—which is nothing cause I'm pretty awesome—I ask the old-knowing Goddess for advice.
PLAYER
How is that gonna help me?
VETERAN
Fine. Don't listen to me then. All I know is that I win all the time and you literally have never won. Anyways, I'll be seeing ya.
PLAYER
Wait, what?!
(Veteran pulls out a remote and presses the button.)
VETERAN
Automatic ejection mode, Player. No vote required.
PLAYER
What?! That's so OP!
CAPTAIN
(in the background) So OP!
(Player is ejected.)
PLAYER
No!
Divine help
PLAYER
(while floating around in space) That's it! I'm done with Among Us, for real this time. I know I told Veteran that I'm wasn't a sore loser. But seriously? All this time, I haven't won a single game?That's gotta be statistically impossible!
GOD OF AMONG US
Nothing...is...impossible.
PLAYER
Huh? Who's there?
GOD OF AMONG US
I am the (he appears) God of Among Us.
PLAYER
The god of Among Us is a giant sloth? I guess that makes sense.
GOD OF AMONG US
I have been watching you, Player. I am here to help you.
PLAYER
Help me? How are you gonna do that? Make me realize I had what it takes to win inside me all along?
GOD OF AMONG US
No. I'm giving you a mod.
PLAYER
Oh. Well, that works too. I'm ready!
(The god slowly reaches his hand to Player.)
PLAYER
(impatient) Oh my god, just give it to me already!
(Player touches the hand. His body shakes and glows. After a few moments, his beanie turns into gold.)
PLAYER
Yes, yes. This is amazing! I'm...I'm a god!
GOD OF AMONG US
With great power, comes great-
PLAYER
Yeah, yeah. I've heard that line before. (to himself) Oh man, I can't wait. I'm finally going to win!
GOD OF AMONG US
Use that power for-
PLAYER
Uh-huh. Uh-huh, huh-huh. Listen, thanks again. But I've got a game to get back to.
(Player snaps a finger and disappears.)
Player, the god impostor
(In The Airship, Engine Room. Ghast Captain is shooting fireballs. Beside him, Giant Dum and Dragon Stoner are wrestling.)
CAPTAIN
Fireball! Fireball!
PLAYER
Time to get to work.
CAPTAIN
Hey, Player! I didn't know that you were in this lobby. Nice shiny hat. Say, does that mean that you've finally embraced mods?
PLAYER
It sure does, Captain. Here, let me show you how mine works. Hiya!
(Player shoots a blob of liquid gold. Captain turns into gold, falling to the ground.)
CAPTAIN
Ah!
DUM AND STONER
(they notice Player) Huh?
PLAYER
Let's see what else a god impostor can do!
(Player shoots gold beams with both of his hands. Dum shrinks into a mini crewmate. Stoner transforms to a brainslug.)
STONER
Wait, what?
DUM
Ugh, not again!
(Dum and Stoner fall to the engine furnace.)
PLAYER
Wow! As the God Impostor, I can pretty much do anything I want! Including...
(Player sees BDay and Rose hiding behind an engine using heat vision.
BDAY
Don't move, honey. He can't see us if we don't move.
ROSE
You watch too many movies, dear!
(Player explodes the engine.)
BDAY
W-what are you gonna do to us?
PLAYER
Well, I think it's time you gotta fashion upgrade! (he chuckles)
(BDay and Rose's hats are replaced with the red beanie.)
BDAY
My balloon!
BDAY
My...lord.
ROSE
How we may serve you well, Divine One?
PLAYER
Yes! Thanks to my god powers, I have two mind-controlled minions! Oh, I'm so close to winning, I can almost taste it! Okay, I killed Captain, Dum, and Stoner. That just leaves Mr. Cheese and Veteran. Just gotta play this right. (to BDay and Rose) You two!
BDAY AND ROSE
Yes, my lord?
(Player creates two ray guns. They fall on BDay and Rose's hands.)
PLAYER
Take these, and ensure my victory!
ROSE
You will never lose again!
BDAY
Long live Player!
PLAYER
Yes, yes...
ROSE
(in the background) There he is!
VETERAN
She didnt- She didn't install...the cardio mod...
BDAY
Come back here, non-believer!
ROSE
Hit him! The Divine One's will shall not be denied!
(BDay and Rose shoot. Veteran arrives in Vault, looking up to see a huge golden statue of Player.)
VETERAN
What the-
Wrong role
(Flashback stops, going back to the present time.)
PLAYER
And that's how I was sent by God [of Among Us] who made me won my first game. Understand now, Veteran?
VETERAN
Wow, Player. That was really something.
PLAYER
Wait, what do you mean?
VETERAN
I especially liked that part with the giant sloth god. Wasn't expecting that. Anyways, nice job buddy. It's about time you win a game.
PLAYER
(excited) Really? This is happening?
VETERAN
Yeah. I knew I had it in you all along. Go on, turn me into gold or whatever and let's celebrate.
PLAYER
Well, okay. Here it goes. Thanks pal.
(Player touches Veteran with a golden hand. Nothing happens.)
PLAYER
Huh? (he keeps on patting Veteran)
VETERAN
Can you not do it when someone's watching or something? I can turn around if you want.
PLAYER
No, that's not it. Something's wrong.
VETERAN
Huh, that's awkward.
PLAYER
What is it?
VETERAN
I just noticed that I had a kill button this whole time. What did that sloth god say your mod was again?
PLAYER
Well...
(Scene switches to an earlier part of the episode.)
GOD OF AMONG US
Use that power for...
PLAYER
Uh-huh. Uh-huh, huh-huh. Listen, thanks again. But I've got a game to get back to.
(Player snaps a finger and disappears.)
GOD OF AMONG US
...good crewmate.
PLAYER
(regret) I was going to use my god powers to get the crewmates an easy win. And instead, I killed them all.
VETERAN
Yep, seems that way.
PLAYER
(placing hands over the face) I'm never gonna win, am I?
(Player puts his hands away. Veteran grabs a ray gun at aims at him.)
VETERAN
Nope.
(Veteran shoots Player.)
