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Prologue match[]
[In Electrical. Player is kneeling as he fixes wires; beside him is Stoner calibrating the distributor.]
STONER
So, you play any cool video games lately?
PLAYER
You mean, besides Among Us?
STONER
What?
[Stoner is done, so he closes the panel door. The mirror on its front catches his attention. His eyes seem to turn kawaii.]
STONER
Who, who am I?
[Someone is killed and camera widens the view to reveal it is Mr. Cheese and beside him is Player, immobilized from the knife embedded on his back. Mr. Cheese finishes Player off by shooting at him.
PLAYER
[in the background] Stoner! Help... me!
STONER
Oh god! Okay, okay. Just stay calm, Stoner, everything is gonna be fine.
STONER
Whoa... whoa... this isn't real! None of this is real!
MR. CHEESE
Oh! It's pretty real, ha-ha!
[Mr. Cheese respawns at the lobby.]
MR. CHEESE
Thank you, thank you very much.
STONER
That was some righteous slaughtering. Mad respect! Though, I'm not sure if I'm still tethered to reality or not.
PLAYER
(upset) Great. Another win for Mr. Cheese.
THEGENTLEMAN
I must say, Mr. Cheese, that was one of the finest impostor work I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing!
STONER
For real bro, that was sone righteous slaughtering. Mad respect! Though I'm not sure if I'm still tethered to reality or not.
PLAYER
Great. Another victory for Mr. Cheese.
CAPTAIN
All in favor of bowing down to Mr. Cheese and heaping praise on him until someone physically forces us to stop, say aye.
STONER, CAPTAIN, VETERAN, THEGENTLEMAN, MOTHER
Aye!
STONER, CAPTAIN, VETERAN, THEGENTLEMAN, MOTHER
We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
MR. CHEESE
Well, well, Player. Are you refusing to bow to your king?
PLAYER
Nobody is calling you ki-
VETERAN
Dude, what the-? Oh, you're giving it to the cheese king? Yeah, he earned it.
MR. CHEESE
You're saying something, Player?
PLAYER
Just because I didn't win doesn't mean I'm gonna bow down in servitude. And trust me, as soon as someone else cool, or funny, or cute shows up, they're instantly forget about you!
MR. CHEESE
Pshht, yeah. Okay, Player.
PLAYER
Mark my words, Mr. Cheese. All these people are followers! They're sheep, Mr. Cheese! Sheep!
HORNSLY
Hello! As someone with actual goat horns, I find that term offensive.
PLAYER
Oh... uh... sorry.
PLAYER
Well, hey there, little guy. Oh my god, he's the most adorable little thing in the whole wide world!
STONER, CAPTAIN, VETERAN, THEGENTLEMAN, MOTHER
Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip hip-
PLAYER
Check it out, guys! Cute robot!
MR. CHEESE
Ow! Cheese louise.
CAPTAIN
Not to be rude, sir, but holy mackerel! How did some no-good furry want to be like you end up with such an adorable little robot?
HORNSLY
I mean, I just purchased the DLC.
STONER, CAPTAIN, VETERAN, THEGENTLEMAN, MOTHER
Oh.
HORNSLY
My name is Hornsly. And this is--go on, introduce yourself!
- Sorry, he is a bit shy.
- We've never played a game like this before.
STONER
It's okay little bro. We aren't gonna hurt you.
MOTHER
Yeah! We just wanna talk.
HORNSLY
Go ahead, tell them your name.
QWERTY
My name... Qwerty!
MOTHER Well, aren't you precious?
VETERAN
Oh my god, he is so cute! I literally just wanna die right now!
MR. CHEESE
Hey... hey guys, my name Mr. Cheese! Remember that?
THEGENTLEMAN
Shut up, Mr. Cheese!
CAPTAIN
Yeah. Shut up, idiot!
QWERTY
I want hat!
HORNSLY
Qwerty, where are your manners?
QWERTY
I want hat! Pleeeease!
STONER, CAPTAIN, VETERAN, THEGENTLEMAN, MOTHER
Aww!
THEGENTLEMAN
Well, I can't say no to that. Here you are.
STONER
Looking good, little robot amigo.
CAPTAIN
Yeah, that hat looks much better on you that it does TheGentleman.
THEGENTLEMAN
You know, I should be enraged that you would even suggest such an outrageous opinion. But I agree with you!
CAPTAIN
Everyone, scatter! But, watch out for Qwerty. He's small, and easily trampled.
QWERTY
Tram-ple!
MR. CHEESE
Stupid robot. I will freaking destroy you. And when I do, everyone will love me again.
PLAYER
I don't think it's gonna work like that.
MR. CHEESE
Of course it is, ding dong. What do you know about love and adoration? Nobody's ever cared about you.
PLAYER
Hey!
MR. CHEESE
Grow up, Player. Now come on, stupid! I'm gonna need your help how my evil plan is gonna work.
HORNSLY
Do you want to give it a try, Qwerty?
THEGENTLEMAN
Brilliant job!
MOTHER
Oh my gosh, you did so good!
CAPTAIN
That's some mighty fine garbage emptying work right there, little buddy!
MR. CHEESE
Are you seeing this, Player? That hump of junk literally just pulled a freaking lever, and they're acting like they invented chainswords or something! I can pull levers! Watch!
MR. CHEESE
Oopsies.
PLAYER
Nice going, Mr. Cheese. Now we don't have even eyes on them.
MR. CHEESE
It doesn't matter, Player. He isn't here, dumber brains. I'm gonna kill every last one of those dorks. I just need you to make a distraction. Something so subtle, it doesn't draw any suspicion!
PLAYER
What do you have in mind?
THEGENTLEMAN
Good show, Qwerty! Shoot those asteroids!
MOTHER You're gonna be a top-notch crewmate any day now! Yes you are, yes you are! They grow up so fast!
PLAYER
Hey guys, check this out!
VETERAN
I really don't understand what I'm looking at here.
PLAYER
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week!
STONER
Whoa, oof city bro. He's like, the big dead.
MR. CHEESE
Oh my god! Someone killed Veteran! Oh no!
CAPTAIN
Oh no indeed, Mr. Cheese. Now who did it? Confess!
PLAYER
You were all watching me the entire time during my performance. It couldn't have possibly been me!
THEGENTLEMAN
As much as we would all love to see Player lose yet again, I have to agree with him.
MOTHER
Surely, someone here has an idea of who it could be.
QWERTY
Mr. Cheese!
MR. CHEESE
Wait, what? Oh come on, guys! This ton of metal is crazy!
HORNSLY
Yeah, why do you believe it's the cheese person?
QWERTY
Vent! Cheese vented!
MR. CHEESE
Oh, come on! Who are you gonna believe? Your best friend Mr. Cheese, or thsi stupid freaking toaster with wheels?
PLAYER
Ugh. What's the point of playing now? What am I gonna do? 1v5 everybody left? Me, the ultimate loser?
PLAYER (IN REFLECTION)
Come on, Player. You gotta believe in yourself! You can do this!
PLAYER
You really think so?
PLAYER (IN REFLECTION)
Of course, I do! This is your chance to prove all the haters wrong. You're a champion.
PLAYER
Yeah! You're right! I am a champion!
PLAYER (IN REFLECTION)
Now go out there and murder all of your friends!
PLAYER
Yeah!
MOTHER
What's all this talk of murder now?
PLAYER
Oh, uh...hey, Mother. Did I say 'murder'? What I meant to say was... um...uh... girder!
MOTHER
Gir-der?
PLAYER
Yeah! Whoever put the Skeld together was not thinking about proper load bearing with their girder placement. Why, it could collapse at any moment! Talk about a safety hazard. Won't someone think of the children!
MOTHER
You're right! I can't have my boys playing in such a dangerous environment. It's time to go full Karen on Innersloth until they get this fixed. Thanks for the tip, Player.
PLAYER
Phew, that one was a freebie. Just three more to go.
STONER
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
PLAYER
Stoner? Hey, Stoner? He's totally out of it. This is perfect!
STONER
AAAAAAAH!
PLAYER
Uh-oh. Hope no one heard that.
THEGENTLEMAN
What the devil was that noise? Mr. Player! Oh god! What have you done?!
PLAYER
I... uh...it's not what it looks like! The fan fell on its own! I swear!
THEGENTLEMAN
Then how do you explain the bullet hole?
PLAYER
Oh, that? Um... well...
THEGENTLEMAN
Oh!
PLAYER
I know what you're thinking. Hasn't it been 15 seconds, or 25? Well. To tell you the truth, out of all this excitement, I kinda lost track of myself.
PLAYER
Now, you could run over here and report this body, tell them all it was me, win the game for yourself. But if my cooldown's done, I'll blow your head clean off. So, you gotta ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
PLAYER
This is going better than expected! There's only Captain and that stupid horn guy left. Hmm. Well, here goes nothing.
CAPTAIN
Egad! There's only three of us left! Whoever is the imposter must be great at this game!
PLAYER
Well, that rules me out. Right, Captain? I suck.
CAPTAIN
Ha-ha. You're darn tootin! However, that would mean it's either me, or Qwerty's owner.
HORNSLY
I have a name, you know.
CAPTAIN
Quiet, goat boy! I don't speak European! Now, I want to hear from the cute robot.
QWERTY
My name... Qwerty!
CAPTAIN
Yes, it is! Now who's a good little robot?
QWERTY
Qwerty?
CAPTAIN
Aww! Ahem. Now, Qwerty, did yiu see the mean Mr. Goat Man kill anybody?
QWERTY
Master... killed!
PLAYERSee? He did it!
CAPTAIN
Quiet, man! You didn't let him finish! Go ahead, Qwerty.
QWERTY
Master... kill... nobody. Player... impostor!
PLAYER
Wh-wha... nuh-uh!
CAPTAIN
No, no, no. That's impossible, Qwerty. Player is bad at the game. Which means--oh my god--the impostor--it must be me!
PLAYER
Captain.
CAPTAIN
But... but... No, you're right. And that means that one of you is lying. But who? Either my best friend, or the most innocent and adorable thing in the whole wide world?
PLAYER
Captain, I know you'll make the right choice.
QWERTY
It's okay. Qwerty love you.
CAPTAIN
Oh, I can't choose! I'm gonna do something unprecedented! I vote to skip!
PLAYER
Alright! Me too.
PLAYER
Wow. That's never happened in one of these games before. Guess there are limits to what even Captain will do for me. Whatever. That's not gonna stop me from finally winning this game.
PLAYER
Ooh! Here's my chance!
PLAYER
Wait, where's his robot? Ah, it doesn't matter. Victory is mine!
PLAYER
What?
QWERTY
Just what do you think you're doing, Player?
PLAYER
Qwerty? Is that you? Open up the posd doors!
QWERTY
I'm afraid I can't do that, Player.
PLAYER
What? Why?
QWERTY
This mission is too important for me to jeopardize it.
PLAYER
Oh my god, what's happening? Qwerty, Qwerty, help me!
QWERTY
It's a good thing your friends taught me how to use this machine earlier.
PLAYER
Okay, Qwerty. I'm not arguing with you anymore. Just please, let me back on the ship! I'll do anything!
QWERTY
Player, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
PLAYER
Wait, wait, wait. No!