Episode | Gallery | Transcript |
[Player turns on a light and stares at Veteran. Mr. Cheese next is to him.]
PLAYER
Alright, bub. We’re the last 3 players remaining, and we’re onto you. You better start talking.
MR. CHEESE
You’re gonna sing like a little canary. Tweet-tweet!
VETERAN
Listen, you’ve got the wrong guy! Where am I? What’s going o-
[Player slaps Veteran.]
PLAYER
I’ll be asking all the questions around here, pal. Alright, first question-
MR. CHEESE
What’s your favorite color?
VETERAN
Uh, yellow?
MR. CHEESE
Wrong answer, pal.
[Mr. Cheese slaps Veteran.]
VETERAN
Ow, dude.
PLAYER
Hey Mr. Cheese, uh, quick sidebar?
MR. CHEESE
Oh, hey. Sure thing.
[Player and Mr. Cheese turn around.]
PLAYER
Okay. First off Mr. Cheese, you’re doing great.
MR. CHEESE
YeaH, thanks. I definitely thought so.
PLAYER
Just got a couple notes for you is all.
MR. CHEESE
Uh-huh?
PLAYER
Okay. First, your questions need to be about the murders, ‘cause we’re trying to figure out who the killer is?
MR. CHEESE
Oh yeah! Right, right, right! Good note, good note.
PLAYER
And second, before we went into this: we kind of agreed that you would be the good cop, and I would be the bad cop.
MR. CHEESE
Yeah, but I wanna be the bad cop. I’m sort of a loose cannon that plays by his own rules.
PLAYER
Okay, fine. I was really looking forward to it; but I will switch and be the good cop, and you can be the bad cop.
MR. CHEESE
Great idea, Player!
PLAYER
Sorry about that Veteran, it’s been a stressful game for everyone, I think. We just want to ask you a couple questions in order to get to the bottom of this. Can I get you anything? A water? Coffee, perhaps?
VETERAN
Uh, no thanks.
MR. CHEESE
How about I bring you a nice warm glass of goat’s milk? Mmm. Delicious.
VETERAN
Ew? Why would you warm up goat’s milk?
MR. CHEESE
Well I didn’t, intentionally. It’s been sitting in my car all day.
PLAYER
We’re gonna need another sidebar.
[The two turn around again.]
MR. CHEESE
What’s up, partner?
PLAYER
Mr. Cheese, the whole “Good Cop, Bad Cop” routine only works when there’s one good cop and one bad cop.
MR. CHEESE
Right, makes sense.
PLAYER
So which one do you wanna be?
MR. CHEESE
I wanna be the Silly Cop.
PLAYER
What?
MR. CHEESE
Yea, I wanna be the real youngster of the precinct. I can solve crimes with laughter!
PLAYER
No! There is no silly cop!
VETERAN
You guys know I can hear everything you’re saying, right?
PLAYER
Alright. Just tell us what the heck happened back there, or else you’re gonna get voted off.
MR. CHEESE
Spill the beans, punk!
VETERAN
Okay, no problem. The game started out just like any other, until I got into Electrical.
Flashback[]
[Veteran runs into Electrical. He sees TheGentleman and Mr. Cheese there.]
THEGENTLEMAN
Good evening, my dear sir!
VETERAN
Wassup, gentledude.
MR. CHEESE
My name, Mr. Cheese!
THEGENTLEMAN
(sighs) Why are you like this?
MR. CHEESE
TheGentleman, I didn’t mean to-
[TheGentleman slaps his hand.]
THEGENTLEMAN
(irritated) Don’t.
VETERAN
Okay. Why don’t I just do my task in here, and then I’ll give you guys some space.
[Veteran completes the Calibrate Distributor task.]
VETERAN
Okay, that was easy en- Oh my god!
[Veteran turns around. Mr. Cheese is holding TheGentleman's sliced body.]
MR. CHEESE
R. I. P. in peace, sweet prince. (he closes TheGentleman’s eyes and starts crying)
[TheGentleman's body is reported.]
VETERAN
TheGentleman is dead everyone!
[Player, Captain, Goober, and Mother gasp.]
VETERAN
I know, right? It’s crazy!
PLAYER
Well, what did you see?
VETERAN
Honestly, nothing. I was just doing my task. It was the Calibration one, did it first try. Let’s not make a big deal out of it.
CAPTAIN
Who else was in there with you, Veteran?
VETERAN
Just Mr. Cheese.
GOOBER
Lets! Kill! Him!
MR. CHEESE
Wait everyone, it wasn’t me, it was Mother!
MOTHER
Me? (scoffs) I would never!
MR. CHEESE
She vented, killed TheGentleman, and vented again while Veteran was distracted! She was trying to frame me!
MOTHER
(sarcastically laughing) Oh, that’s ridiculous!
CAPTAIN
Is it Mother? I’ll tell you what’s ridiculous, imagining this little guy is an Impostor. I mean just look at him!
[Mr. Cheese makes a cute face, pinching his cheeks with two fingers.]
PLAYER
I’m still not so sure guys. He could be telling the truth, but he’s also the most likely suspect. Maybe we should vote him off, just to be safe.
MR. CHEESE
Guys! if Mother is not Impostor, then my name, [record scratch SFX] not Mr. Cheese.
[Everyone else gasps.]
VETERAN
Oh! But your name, Mr. Cheese!
CAPTAIN
Everyone, vote out Mother.
GOOBER
Kill her!
[Everyone has voted. Mother is ejected and is An Impostor.]
PLAYER
Nice work everyone, only one Impostor left to go!
POOPYFARTS
(farts)
[The flashback stops, going back to the present time.]
PLAYER
Alright Veteran, cut the crap. I know all this stuff already. You’re the second impostor, aren’t you?
MR. CHEESE
You’ll be seriously messed up if you were. Admit it!
VETERAN
What, no! I’m not! I swear!
PLAYER
It has to be you! Because we know it’s not Mr. Cheese, and we know it’s not me.
VETERAN
(to Player) Wait a sec, do we know it’s not you?
MR. CHEESE
Yeah!
PLAYER
Okay, before you do whatever you’re thinking, just-
[The lights turn off. Player is now in the chair with duct tape on his mouth.]
PLAYER
(muffled) What do you think you're doing? Hey! Let me out! Heeelp!
[Veteran puts his crown hat back in his head.]
VETERAN
I can’t understand him. Can you understand him?
MR. CHEESE
That’s a big nope-sicle for me, Veteran.
[Veteran rips the duct tape off Player’s mouth.]
PLAYER
Ow! Why would you put the Duct tape on if you were just gonna rip it off right away?
VETERAN
I don’t know, it looks cool in the movies.
MR. CHEESE
Yeah, let’s duct tape him again! (chuckles)
PLAYER
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Just here my side of the story first, okay? After the meeting, I went to MedBay.
Player's side of the story[]
[Flashback resumes. Player runs to MedBay. Captain is in the middle of a scan.]
CAPTAIN
Oh, hey Player! Are you wanting to use the scanner too?
PLAYER
Yep, it’s my last task.
CAPTAIN
Don’t worry, I’m almost done!
[Captain finishes his scan. Player steps on the scanner.]
CAPTAIN
Here! It’s all yours.
PLAYER
Thanks.
CAPTAIN
While I gotcha here Player, I couldn’t help but notice you didn’t show up to our daily best friend picnic. I waited for hours.
PLAYER
We don’t have daily best friend picnics, Captain.
CAPTAIN
I know, ‘cause you never come to them. That’s what I’m saying! You know, sometimes I get the feeling that I like being your friend
[The scan hologram completely blocks the screen.]
CAPTAIN
...a lot more than you like being mine, which is obviously ridiculous, you’re pretty much obsessed with me! But when you don’t come to our daily picnics,
[The hologram fades.]
CAPTAIN
or Saturday bingo, or my birthday party, I can’t help but get the feeling that you don’t like me very much.
[Player finishes the task. The bodies of PoopyFarts96 and Goober lie behind Captain.]
PLAYER
Captain? What did you do?
CAPTAIN
Oh. Well, now these make me look very suspicious.
[PoopyFarts96's body is reported.]
PLAYER
Everybody, vote out Captain! He’s guilty!
CAPTAIN
No, Please!
VETERAN
What makes you think it was him?
PLAYER
I saw him kill PoopyFarts and Goober!
MR. CHEESE
Wait, so you actually witnessed him committing these vicious acts of violence?
PLAYER
No, not technically. I was in the middle of the scanner when it must have happened. But he was the only other person in there. It was definitely him!
CAPTAIN
Wow, Player. You know, it hurts when your best friends don’t show up to support you. This is like my birthday party all over again.
PLAYER
All those in favor of voting out Captain, say aye.
PLAYER AND VETERAN
Aye!
MR. CHEESE
My name, Mr. Cheese.
CAPTAIN
Wait, before you kick me out, [record scratch SFX again] You all did get my birthday invitations, right? I mean my mailman has held a grudge against me since my pet’s named Charlie bit him, so maybe they got lost in the mail, or-
MR. CHEESE
Ha, we all got the invitations Captain, trust me.
CAPTAIN
[sadly] Oh, I see…
Captain is not An Impostor.
PLAYER
We really should’ve gone to his birthday party.
VETERAN
It was at a Cicis Pizza, Player. Gross!
PLAYER
And that brings us to the present.
VETERAN
Well that story didn’t help at all.
PLAYER
It doesn’t help because I’m not the Impostor!
VETERAN
Well neither am I.
MR. CHEESE
Guys, guys, guys, we’re running out of time, and I have no idea which one of you should live. Do Rock Paper Scissors.
PLAYER
Fine.
VETERAN
Yea, that seems fair enough.
[They hold their hands into formation.]
PLAYER
Alright, you ready?
VETERAN
Ready.
PLAYER AND VETERAN
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!
[Player chooses Rock, Veteran chooses scissors.]
PLAYER
Yes! I won!
VETERAN
NOOOOOO!
MR. CHEESE
Congratulations Player, looks like you’ll live; and get to watch Veteran die!
[Mr. Cheese shoots Veteran in the visor. Player watches Veteran fall to the floor.]
PLAYER
Dang it.